Top 5 Electric & Automatic Blowjob Machines & Sex Simulation Devices For 2018

Getting a blowjob is the shit. Is there anyone who has the balls to disagree with us? It’s the whole “finding someone to deep throat you and do that little thing with their tongue” that makes it complicated. Sure, partners are great, but they always want to cuddle afterwards. Hookers can be cheap, but they seldom take no for an answer. And jerking yourself off gets the job done, but where’s the fun in that?

Having access to an automatic blowjob machine is the tits, and thanks to modern science, there is little that the most popular models can’t do. Hyper-realistic and majorly mind-blowing, our top picks are the cream of the crop in our horny yet humble opinions. We don’t take this shit lightly either. Telling us there’s a machine that will suck our dicks while we casually eat bar peanuts is a dream come true. We’re not going to let these bastards play with our emotions.

Ridiculously high standards are what we are best known for. So, despite the following toys’ obviously purposeful popularity, we still managed to find a way to complain. It’s not every day we get to have such a good time being ungrateful assholes, so leave it alone. Our top penis-juicing picks are based on the following cock-worthy criteria:

• Price – How affordable is this shit for men with real-life bank accounts?
• Textures – What sort of sleeve surfaces and consistencies are available for this motherfucker?
• Features – What happens if we push this button?
• Compatibility – Does this bitch work with my other toys or, better yet, with my Bluetooth?
• Accessories – If I want to get some customized brain with this son of a bitch, is that possible?
• Sensations – How life-like feeling is this bastard, really?
• Upkeep – Is it going to be a pain in the ass to clean up after myself?
• Durability – How many times can I abuse this thing before it falls apart on me?
• Discretion – Am I going to have dozens of awkward conversations?
• Appearance – Will I look like a cool kid when I’m using this beast?

After we have answered all the important questions, we then rate the sons of bitches and list them in order, for your convenience. As children, we wanted to make the world a better place. Instead, we review automatic blowjob machines and we’re proud of it. At least we know where the best orgasms are. Nana-nana, boo-boo, stick your head in doo-doo.

Pleasuring Yourself

When shopping for your next self-driven knob slobber, we suggest borrowing some of our pre-formulated questions from above. However, being as the average sex toy purchase is a very personal endeavor, we also suggest coming up with a few inquiries of your own. In other words, ask yourself the following questions:

• Is my junk small, average, or monstrous?
• Who will I be sharing this thing with (if anybody)?
• How important is visual stimulation to me?
• Do I get bored easily?
• How much time do I honestly spend pleasuring myself with sex toys?
• Do I have all the necessary supplies and equipment to enjoy this shit to the fullest?
• What does my bank account have to say about all this?
• Where in Hades will I put the damn thing?
• Are there separate purchases required before I can bust a nut?
• How is this better than a regular blowjob?
• What’s the catch?

Not all automatic blowjob machines are created equally, so buyer beware. As a rule, they vary in size and function as much as they vary in price and appearance. Be sure your family jewels will sit snugly inside each chamber by checking the product specifications. Also, remember to peruse the accessories available to see how much growing you can do with your new toy.

Our Five Most Fuckable Faves

We’ve put our courageous cocks through the ringer on your behalf. And as soon as we get done icing our empty yet satisfied balls, we will flood you with an onslaught of complaints about that. In the meantime, have a gander at our top five fuckable favorites:

Kiiroo Onyx 2

The Onyx 2 by Kiiroo is a magnificent machine for its intended purposes, with complete Bluetooth smart device compatibility and plenty of online porn content for your VR viewing pleasure. Made primarily of medical-grade silicone and high-density polymer, this automatic blowjob contraption runs at top speeds of 140 strokes per minute and can be used alone or with the Fleshlight Launch or another Kiiroo Onyx 2 or Pearl. The magic show stars a powerful motor which runs 10 contracting inner rings that glide smoothly up and down the shaft in tandem with the real-time movements of the people or content involved. Neato mosquito!

The Origins of Our Loyalty

• Quiet operation
• Powerful motor
• Self-sustainable
• Incredible versatility
• Affordable price point
• Can accommodate small and average-sized penises
• Incredibly real feeling
• Great for solo artists and couples
• Long distance relationship support
• Extended motor/battery life
• Wireless when not charging
• Somewhat sexy looking

The Fleshlight Launch

There is little that the Fleshlight Launch can’t do in terms of cranking out the very last drop of baby batter left in your nut sacks. The only reason it’s at number two on our list is because it’s big, it’s the most expensive automatic blowjob machine on the market, and it requires a Fleshlight or Kiiroo attachment to work properly. Albeit an investment in cash and space, this titanic of a toy is totally worth the price. It can synchronize with Bluetooth via smart device to provide long-distance real-time play for couples, gyrate alongside pre-recorded porn content from a massive library, pleasure your private parts using an array of self-driven speed and vibe features, and pretty much do everything your partner can do besides wash the dishes or complain about your stamina.

Origins of Our Loyalty

• Stealthy operation
• Rocket-like motor speed and power
• Compatible with all Fleshlight models as well as Kiiroo Onyx 2/Pearl
• Compatible with Oculus Rift, Google Glass, and most other VR headsets
• Great for solo artists and couples
• Long distance relationship support
• Fantasy fulfilment
• Impressive durability and life span
• Decent price point
• Wireless when not charging
• Hot and high-tech looking
• Can accommodate various penis sizes depending on the masturbator insert

SayberX

If cute and compact convenience is what matters most to you, then the Sayber X might be what you’re looking for. This super sleek and sexy automatic blowjob beast features an insanely cushiony texture with a hyper-realistic feel (SayberSkin), stretched over a 7-inch/2-inch chamber that sends the sensations of 5 different speed functions up and the down the main vein. The Sayber X works a lot like the Kiiroo Onyx and the AutoBlow in that it utilizes pleasure rings to simulate oral sex. However, the Sayber X can use motion-activated rings (at an extra cost), and the original price tag is surprisingly affordable to begin with.

Origins of Our Loyalty

• Ergonomic German engineering and design
• Compatible with most smart devices via the SayberX app
• Reasonable operating volume
• Smooth and realistic movements
• Affordable price point
• Masculine looking
• Compact and travel-worthy
• Durable and dependable
• Can accommodate small and average-sized penises
• Wireless when not charging
• Comes with storage

AutoBlow 2

Although the AutoBlow 2 is our number 4 pick, it still has a few leading qualities about it. And while it’s somewhat cumbersome in size and shape and can’t accommodate larger penises, this automatic head giver gives an outstanding performance. With an appearance that is reminiscent of the famous Fleshlight, the AutoBlow2 is a new and improved version of its original design – a sex toy that took the industry by storm. Featuring a massive motor with at least 1,000 guaranteed hours of power and with enough juice to go completely hands-free, this marvelous machine comes with three different sleeves (each with a slightly different tightness) and uses the tried-and-true pleasure rings phenomenon that keeps us “cumming” back for more, even if it’s not as high-tech as its cousins.

Origins of Our Loyalty

• Plugs into the wall, so no need for charging
• Tolerable noise level
• Discrete shape
• Realistic texture sensations
• Good speed differential
• Can accommodate all penis sizes, depending on sleeve used
• Extremely powerful motor
• Dependable
• Surprisingly durable
• Exceptional price point

Lovense Max

This automatic blowjob beast pushed all our buttons in all the right ways, despite the fact that it’s not as fancy as the other toys on our list. The Lovense Max is touch-sensitive, meaning it’s super easy to use and great for couple’s play. It features these tiny little air vents which control suction with a swipe, and it has a fully rechargeable battery that’s compatible with Bluetooth – making it perfect for real-time fun on the run. This wireless toy is ideal for long-distance romance and is compact enough to stow on the go. With remote, app, or on-device touch controls, this high-tech pleasure pioneer is relatively affordable and requires no assembly or add-ons to get started.

Origins of Our Loyalty

• Wireless when not charging
• Can accommodate small to average-sized penises
• Compact and convenient for travel
• Decent speed options
• Ergonomic and attractive shape
• Nearly silent
• Commanding motor strength and longevity
• Affordable price point
• Hyper-realistic material
• Compatible with Bluetooth and other Lovense Max toys
• Durable
• Impressive battery life

What’s the Catch?

In a perfect world, automatic masturbators would show up at your door fully assembled, lubed up, and ready to go. However, we live on Earth so that shit is never going to happen. Sometimes, you’ve got to fight for your right to party.

With that said, you should know that a few of the automatic blowjob machines on our list require a few things that might up the ante on the price tag. Those “things” include shit like:

• extra parts
• registration for online porn content
• downloaded apps or programs
• cell, internet, or data charges and fees
• payment for video/chat database access
• shipping and handling
• taxes
• hush money for your previous partners
• lubrication
• toy cleaner
• sleeve material preservation powder
• accessories
• electricity
• your dignity

There is a cost to everything. However, being able to get a mind-blowing blowjob whenever you want it without expending any extra energy seems priceless to us. As long as you get the kind of toy that’s suitable with your intended purposes, you shouldn’t have a problem. While there are plenty of knock-offs out there, keep in mind that popular manufacturers got their notoriety for a reason.

How to Know a Good Thing When You See It

Mama said there would be days like this, when a perverted man couldn’t get a good blowjob without swiping his credit card. Either way, buying your high-end sex toys from a no-name supplier is bad news for a million reasons. Opting instead to trust your sensitive dicks to a reputable label is always a good idea. After all, would you let just anyone suck your delectable dick, would you? Don’t answer that.

Look, if you’re going to spend any amount of money on an investment in self-made orgasms, why not make the purchase count for something? All of the toys on our list have been pre-screened for legitimacy. They each get delivered right to your door in unmarked boxes and are sold by trustworthy companies who use website encryption to keep their customers safe.

Furthermore, the sign of a good sex toy is a heap of positive reviews. If your time is money, save yourself some by skimming through what people are saying about the machine you’re interested in. Keep in mind that opinions are like assholes and everybody’s got one, but there are times when those incoherent rants can come in handy, especially when you’re unsure about which toy you should spend your hard-earned money on.